Issue 00013 - "It hurts ... make it stop"
Welcome to 5 Bites – The BLTnT Newsletter!
Intro
A while back, I was upset about something going on that had the propensity to affect my business— and when I say upset, I mean really upset like f-word inducing upset — and I was sharing it with my mentor Robert Holland. He looked at me and said words I’ll never forget:
“You’re hurting, and I want to help that stop because I love you.”
WHOA was that just full-on acknowledgment, empathy, and love??? At the time, I didn’t know what that Jedi maneuver was, but holy Han Solo, it worked — it disarmed the me in the moment completely. Heck “I didn’t even know I was hurting”. His words allowed (caused) me to stop repeating my complaint louder and with different words…it allowed me to process the situation and work through a solution with Bob’s guidance and help.
More recently I was introduced to a leadership resource from Ken Clark called in his talk called Solving Without Sorry: Conflict Resolution Techniques for Executives. It gave language and structure to what Bob had modeled for me in that moment.
And while I won’t give away the whole framework here (Ken does such an amazing job teaching it himself), I want to share why I found it to be very impactful and a meaningful tool.
1. Conflict Isn’t About the Surface Issue
When I was in Sandler Training with Gerry Weinberg & Associates, they taught us the “problem the patient / prospect / person brings you initially, is rarely the REAL problem.” And a few of my psychology friends have verified this.
What looks like a fight over details is usually about something deeper — Ken says this often rooted in one of three negative emotions: A Hurt, A Fear, or A Need.
Listening helps, but Ken tells us that you can leverage his process to really help resolve conflict and that we need to understand which one of these negative emotions is really at play. Recognizing that is the first step to making progress.
2. The Content Fallacy
Ken also explained to us The Content Fallacy which he described as:
“What I’m saying is so clear and simple, if you’re not agreeing with me, you’re either (a) not listening or (b) you don’t care.
He argues that people are on a quest for being understood.
I love the statement…
“your actions are so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying”
…when we feel that someone is not listening or doesn’t care…we throw our hands up and certainly don’t think they understand!
And guess what, social psychology tells us we aren’t all that different from each other…we all are human, so we fall to a number of logical fallacies that we’ve developed as a species over time.
Here’s a link to 18 Common Logical Fallacies and Persuasion Techniques
3. Why I’m Pointing You to Ken
Ken Clark’s framework takes things further, with practical steps to transform how you approach conflict.
I’d encourage you to check out this summary session virtually on the Vistage site: Solving Without Sorry.
Ken’s website and other resources here: https://www.divergineer.com/
4. Bob’s Shortcut
Like I said, I won’t tell you Ken’s magic formula, but I will give you a little teaser.
When Bob said, “You’re hurting and I want to help that stop because I love you,” he showed me what solving looks like when it’s rooted in a true compassion with the goal of healing.
He didn’t need to be right or pontificate, he showed me I was heard, I mattered, he empathized with me, and he helped me find a solution.
5. Gratitude as Closure
Don’t forget to say thank you…even if someone has brought you a problem or conflict that they are blaming you for, close those tough conversations with gratitude. Even something like, “Thank you for being willing to go there with me.” That small acknowledgement reframes the struggle as something shared, not something endured.
Wrap-Up
Unless you are alone on Castaway Island, conflict is pretty much guaranteed to show up in life. But we have choices in how we respond. For me, Bob’s words — and Ken Clark’s framework — were a reminder that conflict can be a doorway to deeper trust, if we approach it with love and intention.
When conflicts come up for me, I just hope I can be half as good as my teacher.
Excelsior,
Matt
Thank you to our sponsors
This edition was proudly sponsored by Auxiom and Glenlore Trails
🛡️ Auxiom 🙌
Outsmart Chaos with the Gold Standard in Business IT.
Auxiom knows that for every one problem that gets solved in the world of IT, there always seems to be several more threats.
They work to stay ahead of them all with a smarter, more proactive approach.
If you have a business, you may need the A-Team at Auxiom!
Visit Auxiom at https://auxiom.com/ or call them at 1-800-837-GOLD (4653)
🔮 Glenlore Trails ✨
Opening September 25th 2025!
This Fall, Glenlore Trails presents The Witching Hour — an enchanting, interactive night walk filled with magic spells, eerie sights, and a coven of curious witches around every bend. Opening September 25th, 2025 ✨🧙♀️
Located at 3860 Newton Road, Commerce Township, MI 48382.
Visit Glenlore Trails at https://www.glenloretrails.com/
Interested in sponsoring an edition of Five Bites?
I’m open to like-minded partners who want to add value—not just visibility.
Got a story to share?
I’d love to hear it—and if it fits, maybe even feature you as a guest on the BLTnT Podcast or as a contributor to a future Five Bites edition.
Visit bltnt.com to explore past podcast episodes or drop me a line through the contact form. You can also reply directly to this newsletter or connect with me on LinkedIn.
About 5 Bites
5 Bites is a weekly serving of bite-sized insights across Business, Life, Technology, and Transformations—built for leaders, learners, and curious minds who want faster takeaways that stick and ignite something explosive 🧨
Find us at all these places and more: